Sunday, 28 April 2013


“Where Do I Go From Here?”
This is my story of a game called “LIFE”. I wrote this not only for the children who became a subject of bullying but to the parents the most, on how to treat their children fairly.  My life is a not a fairy tale and it would never be. I want this story to teach parents how to be just to their children. When a child is bullied; it can either destroy him, or build him depending on the character or behavior of the child. I was lucky enough that I was able to stand firmly against all odds. It’s not easy to be bullied. I live with it my whole life and it breaks me so many times. And I have to fight back to show them I am not ruined. And this is how I fought and why.
Looking back in my early childhood years and mesmerizing the honest but painful memoirs I once have had, I felt I cannot get over the pain it cost me since the time I can remember.  A bullying from in and out of your own society has never been easy for anyone who came to be the victim of circumstances by choice. Though it become a habit of anyone to sometimes react to bullying with anger and range I found it out that I will not able to stop the crime in that way. It will only create another event that eventually could lead a new form of dilemma to its victims. I choose to be quite for sometime in a hope that issues would die a natural death. But humans, as we all know are skeptical of being preserved in times, and as our human nature urges us to make some moves, revenge is always an option. By doing so we made our point become pointless, an illusion, power grabbing or acceptance by force in the expense of our inner peace making our actions openly provocative and appalling. Bullying is a serious matter especially if it happens on the very early stage of life where the emotions is yet to be developed and healthy interactions to different kind of people is a must to help a child grow to be a whole, trustworthy, and with sound judgment.  Whether bully himself or a victim of bullying is a problem that needs actions to resolve the situation. I was a victim of bullying since I was in my first grade and I dealt with it with different approaches. The bullying that happens on my childhood could be a product or a by-product of an unhealthy relationship with my parents and siblings as I was bullied at home and at school and the effects of that bullying created a fragment of my personality in dealing with others. It makes me believe that I was created to be bullied forever and I am a subject of its curse in one way or another. It is hard to accept that whether we have been in the first five of the class or at the last ten on the list we can be a subject of bullying. I was once a happy kid, carefree, and very active until these incidents changes my life and the person whom I become. I was bullied inside my father’s home, in the school, and even in my work place when I become an adult, calling me names and laughing at my face. Some people think that I am just too naïve, insecure, overly reactive, and sensitively sensitive that I have to react violently if I heard humors being spread out about my family especially now, to my children. They think I am stubborn, delusional, self-centered, and arrogant. But they never thought why. What is there in my past that has an effect into my present? My childhood, the days when I was younger, the environment that I grew up, they didn’t give it a thought. It is not of their interest at all! Being bullied can changed a lot of someone’s personality. If you grew up in the situation where you cannot ask anyone for help, and seems no one else to turn to but yourself, you will do everything to protect yourself from anyone whom you thought you are not safe with. It makes you suspicious to almost everyone who came too close to you. You’ll learn not to trust to anyone but yourself. You will not believe anything until you have done it yourself. They said it’s a sickness; but I thought it’s a life’s game that you have to learn to play with.
My bullying started inside my parent’s home when my mother called me “Budlo” (Pouty) in a very annoying way and my two elder sisters started to call me the same. I hate to be called that name. I tried to ignore it so hard that I have to keep my mind and my body busy with other things around the house and my only escape is when I am at school. But the trouble didn’t stop there. At school, when I was about five years old and in my first grade, my classmates started to call me “Balbal” (vampire/witch) because of my hair that’s so thick, curly, and frizzy. They would dance around me, chanting.  And those names stocks; a nightmare has just begun. Hard to think that people whom you thought would be there to protect you are those same individuals who started it all. Not to mention that no one, I mean no one had ever listened to you when you ask why. I work hard to fight back. Trained my mind to tolerate harsh words and pretend it’s soft to listen to, or playing dead and dumb inside to keep my days upright. As I grow older, different obstacles emerged. The older I become, the deeper in gets. I’ve always been into trouble as I fought my way to be heard and to be recognized. I taught myself to play tricks with my bullies. I played along with their intimidations and see if I can manage to be in their world once in a while. But honestly, I like my own world. Where I can watch my detractors on their plot against me and considers anyone who treats me arrogantly as my sworn enemy. I lost my voice in the battle. I silently cried overnight but I don’t want anyone to see. I never had a chance in the last thirty-five years of my life to tell the world that I too, was a victim. It’s just there, in my heart, the unpleasant taste of torment I suffered day after day that only in my imagination I was able to give justice. My family never knows how badly I was hurt as I kept quiet and denied to myself that it’s happening and it’s real. It’s like a flow of electricity extracted from a Ray Gun pinching and constantly pointing to the softest part of my chest. If someone looked at it in their own perspective, it might appear different. And that’s my exact fear that holds me back from telling that it’s not all okay. After all, none from those I knew, friends and family, had tried to stop it from happening. In my adolescent years I started to fell rebellious, distrustful, and dishonest. I lied a lot and I fought a lot physically. At night when I hopped to bed, I am afraid to close my eyes. You know why? I don’t want to dream in my sleep because if I dreamed, it probably would be a nightmare. I often dreamed that I am flying. I saw the clouds so bright but every time I tried to go up I would get caught on a never ending iron screen that I have to go through. It’s frustrating and exhausting. I wonder a lot how others lived their lives. Maybe it’s just a dream for me, or maybe a wish to live their lives. They seemed to be always happy because they can have what they want and is free to speak and people will listen to them even if they cracked silly jokes, just as my two elder sisters. They are pretty in their teens, popular at school, and they are my parent’s favorite. It’s not jealousy. I don’t feel that way and I don’t blame my parents for loving them that much. I love them as well and I love my sisters. I just wanted to know how it feels when you are loved back, that’s all. But I just play a poker face when people are talking about it as if I haven’t heard anything. I became so secretive. I almost blinded somebody and I didn’t tell my parents about it until the boy and his father came to our house and told my parents what happened. My mother was so angry that she almost broke a bamboo stick on my back when I told her the reason why I did it. The boy who was three years my senior was putting a long stick in the carabao manure and he was sticking it to me and the rest I don’t want to explain. I hate when I was told to explain my choices of reasoning. Or why I did what I did. It’s something my tongue got tied to my throat that every word in my mind will not come out of my mouth. I feel it’s weird. It really is but even my own self cannot understand why I had become what I become. I was once a happy child who cares for nothing. But now I’m keeping so many secrets and mistrust in my heart that there is no room for resentment. There’s never a single day that I have not forced myself to think positive thoughts to change the way I look up things around me. I want to grow up with a heightened spirit. I want to show that I have something but nobody had ever noticed because nobody wants to care. My pen and a piece of paper had become my greatest supporter. Every time I felt alone, deceived, and ignored I will write something; be it a poem, a short story, or just a short notes whatever it is that will make me feel at ease after all those pressures and pains that I had been through. When I’m at school I will play with my classmates who were also from poor families like me. I will go to church on Sundays, and I will stay outside of my father’s home to take care of my Water Buffalos and my goats. I only have to be at home when it’s eating time or at bed time. My goats saved us from starvation when our place suffered from a long drought. Everyone in the family is helping. I helped too with whatever I can but still I always end up unappreciated, blamed, and persecuted. So I made a promise to myself that if God wills it; when I grow up and have a family of my own I will never let any of my children be bullied, feel ignored, and unloved. I would be doing everything to protect them even if it means I have to sacrifice my own interest. But first, I have to stand to my feet, take my life back, and eventually move to succeed.
Days and years had gone fast as my life’s battle continues. 

Thursday, 28 February 2013

It's more than a year ago I ask a question about parents/ children building relationships with each other. Since then I was not able to make a follow up about the matter. You know why? Because I want to escape from the fact that I am fighting with a friend I thought was able to understand how I fought for my children. To make the story clear; I am a mother of five, separated by annulment, and I remarried again. My children are living in our country home where I built for them. I was fighting my whole life to be heard and to be respected as a person, an individual, as a woman. ......to be continue.....

Good day everybody!

Today i just decided to make my blog as a personal diary where I can write and share with you what I thought about every issues I have seen, heard, and encountered in my work, around EMS world, and any other issues that interests me. And God willing (Insha'Allah) I will be able to share a clear view of what women out there has to say. Stay tuned folks!


Love;

Maryam

Sunday, 15 January 2012


Don't be fooled by the people who will only think that saying "I love You" are the best words to hear if you cannot feel what is the real meaning of those words utters. People wants to hear lies but they don't see the truth. Or saw the truth but never feels the sincerity of it. How can you describe a parent who would say "I love You" openly but never do the right thing for his/her children? So what do you think is a parent's role over their children? How they influence and build a good relationship with each other? HAVE YOUR SAY!


Wednesday, 24 November 2010

Masks of Life



Life is a never ending story of hope, joy, pain, and struggles. But how much we understand life? How much we wanted to spend to make our life satisfactory on our sight? Do we have a purpose? Do we have a trail to follow?
People from all walks of life never thought how short this life could be. The only thing on the mind of a common man is the happiness and satisfaction they can get from this world. But how much it’s cost?
I was attending a masquerade party for our shift and they invited me to be a speaker during that occasion. I was astounded by the costumes my friends and colleagues were wearing because of the mask that covers most of the faces of the attendees. My speech focuses on loving the career that we choose. While I was delivering my speech a thought came into my mind while looking at the faces in front of me. How people could able to hide a fake smile while inside they are not getting the best that they deserve? Or why people, having a blessed opportunity others are envious upon but still not happy with what they have earned? “Why losing hope when we have a lot of things to hope for?”
Life is not deceiving. It is us who deceived ourselves. Why can’t we say no when we don’t like? Why we said its allright when we it’s not? Why can’t we say a thing when we need to say something? And why we smile when in fact it is hurting? We cannot live a life with deceptions. God give us a choice or choices of good and evil, of knowledge and ignorance, of happiness and sorrow. But how can we know that we choose the right thing? We have given a path to follow. A path that can only be enlightened if we seek God’s wisdom over worldly matters. We cannot mask the pain and sufferings we are feeling by drowning ourselves with wine. We cannot overcome poverty by pretending to be rich and doing nothing. And we cannot enjoy life following our own desires because this is only a temporary enjoyment.
Our life has a purpose. We were not created just for decorations only. For us Muslims, the purpose of life is to serve and obey the commandments of God. In Qur-an 51: 56, the word of the Almighty says: “I have only created jinn and men, that they may served Me.”.    The Bible is also very clear as to what our purpose in life should be. Men in both the Old and New Testaments sought for and discovered the true purpose life. King Solomon (son of Prophet David or Dawood PUH), the wisest man who ever lived as they say, discovered the futility of life when it is lived only for this world. He gave these concluding remarks in the book of Ecclesiastes: "Here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil" (Ecclesiastes 12:13-14). Life therefore is all about honoring God with our thoughts and lives and thus keeping His commandments for one day we will stand before Him in judgment and believe me, on that day if we are not being obedient to our Creator we will not be able to unmask the true happiness that we are dreaming of forever. Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuhu!

Thursday, 4 November 2010

“Pursue work that you enjoy”



The message of inspiration that I am going to share to everyone is based on one of the famous Islamic proverbs quoted from the verse of Quran 13:11 that said: “Allah will never change the condition of the people until they change their ways of life themselves.”
Stress is life. Stress is anything that causes mental, physical, or spiritual tension. There is no running away from it. All that matters is how you deal with it. There is a question I read on Facebook asking “How you will handle pressures and high expectations on your work?” and I remember quoting; “Leave it to their belly as long as I am doing my job well. I don’t care”.
When we were still in our early years of education we often think of a kind of job that would satisfy us when we grow up. And I would like to ask all of us here: How many of us are happy working on our job as Paramedics in the Ambulance? Are we contented and still happy doing our tasks or are we all stressed and burned-out and pressures seemed to be overwhelming! People Working on the medical field such as Doctors, Nurses, Paramedics and all jobs pertaining to healthcare has one sense in common which is giving care to sick and that’s what we are doing here in our chosen career. But sometimes the repetition and routine of this career causes boredom to the people engaged on this kind of job especially since man by our very nature tires from a lack of change. So how we will overcome this issue? For over a decade of working and meeting a lot of people from all walks of life I only found two characters of a working man. One who works because he likes being paid by doing the job he loves, and the other is working for the sake of being paid. And there is a huge difference between the two. So many of us here changes career overtime because of so many reasons but we really cannot point a single finger which reasons best described our choice of living our previous jobs.
According to studies a high rate of success stories in general is documented to professionals who pursue a work that they enjoy even if they are likely receives lesser salaries, but it is the nature of the job itself that inspired them.  When a Nurse, or a Paramedic, and or healthcare worker happy doing his job it shows on how he handles his patients. He would likely to be careful and gentle with sympathy and sincerity dealing with the sick. But when a Nurse, or a Paramedic, or a Doctor deals his patient or a client bitterly, impatiently and with lack of hostility then, it is a manifestation of boredom and stress. We choose this career, and it is our obligation to do and fulfil our given tasks in a manner that benefits both, the clients (means the patient), the department, and ourselves.
We are susceptible to commit mistakes because we are created weak and imperfect. But we have to do the best that we can in this life, in this place, and in our job, and that’s the only way to overcome pressures, boredom, idleness, and high expectations from anyone. Because no matter how good we are, we cannot expect gratitude from everybody. People will always trying to find flaws in everything that we do and in our characters. We must deal with it positively and take it as a chance to improve ourselves. For if we dreamed of being accepted and loved by all, we are only dreaming the impossible, because that desire is unattainable.  Thank you and good luck to everyone.

Saturday, 23 October 2010

A Poetry! (To My Dear Children)

Froilan Dave, Mark David, Florence Diane, John Marco, and Fiona  Sophia


AS YOU STARTED TO GROW
IN MY WOMB'S SPECIAL PLACE
THE ONLY THING I KNOW
I LIVE AND BREATH FOR YOU.

NINE MONTHS I HAVE WAITED
TO THE CHILD I BEAR
IT'S NOT EASY FOR A MOTHER
TO REST, AND SLEEP, AND BE BOTHERED.

YOU'VE KICKED AND TURNED AND MOVED
IN MY STOMACH'S WARDROBE
AND WHEN YOU CAME OUT LATER
IT LIFTS MY HEART OUT, HIGHER!

Friday, 22 October 2010

A Place in the Sun

Monday, 30 August 2010

OPINION

Crime! Politics! War!

Is there something different from those mentioned?

How about......Love, Peace, Hope, Freedom!
People needs love, people wants peace where they can hope for, and people needs freedom.

But where can we fine all these?

Every minute, every hour, every day we can hear crimes taking place in every part of the world. Combat operations, massacres, and homes being destroyed. We suffers! Humans are suffering! It hurts but no one listens....

Those who were concerned closes their eyes and cover their ears! They want to hide the truth; but the fact is.. our world is insane. People are dying and nature is losing.

And now I want to challenge you brethren to examine your shoes! Stop the war! Stand out and let our people be united and enjoy life! Build homes for the homeless. Feed those who are starving. Save our nature! Save the life of our youth and made people understand how important life is. Stand firmly! Have faith in the One True God and let peace and prosperity reign in your hearts.

Do all these things with happiness and sincerity. Give a smile, care, love, and peace; and the world will smiles with you.

Episodes of Life

Life; as we know it, is full of challenges, hardships, struggles. But the challenges of this life depends on how we handle it. How we manage to survive life's obstacles is based on how we react with it. Are we facing forward positively? Or are we backing out so easily!

When I was a child, I spoke like a child. I think as a child. I am carefree! I have no idea what would it be when I grow up. I thought that it would still be the same. Then I started to see the difference. In my teens I became curious to know the things around me. It left me wondering how it would be when I finish college. Will I still have the same friends? Will I still be able to do the things that I like most in my teens years? So many questions awaiting for an answer.

Then I finished college and started to work for a living. These phase of my life creates a lot of struggles. I started to feel changes is so over whelming and makes me sad to see a lot of frustrations. I felt so alone and boredom is my companion. Having someone might help! Getting married? Why not! But life isn't that easy.

The thought of growing old makes me sigh. And I am afraid to face the reality of getting old. How would it be to be old and weak? I saw my parents getting old. My grandparents before when they were still alive I am a fond of them. I love them so much. Would someone would love me and care for me when I get old?

People come and go in this life, and no one can escape death. How would it be when someone is about to die or we ourselves would die and face the Creator? Would God be then satisfied of all the things we have been doing? Would we be able to give an answer if God ask us what have we done with life HE gave us? All these will happened to each and everyone of us. We starts from a piece of clot, and we grow up, have a life of our own. Are we able to give justice to everything we did? I will leave these questions for you to ponder.

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Monday, 23 August 2010

My Home Sweet Home

“People think I am strong, yet I am the weakest. They thought I am smart, yet I am the dumbest. I straggle my life in the weakest and dumbest way I can for it is my best showing the people how human I am inside out.”
I was walking in the sandy banks of Matanao River trying to cover the heat of the sun shining above my head with a farmer’s hat my father gave me before he went to Marilog fifteen years ago. The sun shone brightly and the sand was hot under my feet. I watch the children playing while swimming in the clear water of the river. I never have enjoyed my childhood like this children and I missed my younger days. I feel a bit jealous with the ladies of my neighborhood because they have lots of fun enjoying their youth. They go out with friends to disco or barrio dances during fiestas wearing costumes they like while I am in my father’s farm working. My family is conservative and poor as I thought, not because we only have a little land for our crops and few goats, chickens and other farm animals we raised for a living but maybe because I don’t understand fully the value of money that time. My mother won’t allow me to go out after school and during weekends. I have to help my father in the farm while my two sisters stayed with my mother in the house doing choirs and preparing our food every meal. They also would have to help her sewing clothes that would add up to our income to meet the family’s needs. Though we are not rich I was glad enough that my parent sends us to school in the public educational center nearby so every free time I have, I have to snatch back to check on my goats whether they’re expose to too much sun and to give them water to drink as well. This is my day to day life.

Farm work is not for girls but I have no choice. We are three girls in the family and I was the youngest. My mother has difficulty during pregnancy and that makes me the last. I have no regrets after all, my parents were happy to have us. I was enjoying my thought when a man came along and called my name behind my back. It sounds both familiar and unfamiliar. I left this place for more than Eight years that makes me became unfamiliar of so many things and people in this place. Then I turned to face that jolly voice and saw that it was my cousin. This man named Glenn was my childhood friend and buddy. He was the eldest of the three children of my uncle, my mom’s eldest brother. He has a job in an oil refinery plant in Davao City, an hour travel from Barayong, got married and settled in the city with his family. He had children on his own and very seldom would come here to visit old folks. We talk for a while, exchanging stories of our present journey, and he left. How soon it was and I can see the white hairs puffing out from dark black head of this fine man of about two years younger than me. How years have changed everything even the place I called home has changed so much. New people and settlers came adding to the number of population this place had and making it a little crowded than it was before ten years ago. My childhood days were gone and so most of my memories but I am still standing the same place but with a new phase of my life to face with.
The morals of these:
“A young person never knows how short life is, not until they grow old.”
People forgot that life is too short and making it shorter while sinning. God give us choices. To live a life of contentment with Allah(swt) in our hearts, or live a life in this world but gained the hatred of God because of disobedience to His commandments. The choice is ours. But if God is with you, who can be against you?

Saturday, 21 August 2010

My Hijab!

I was reverted to Islam a year ago and since then I could never imagine myself going out without my Hijab. Before Islam I was one of the women who questioned inside my mind how someone could wear a full body cover on this hot country as I am here in Dubai. One of my friends who earlier reverted to Islam wears... Abaya and a hair cover and I still remember how I used to ask her to take off her cover but she never did.Then I became a Muslim. All my friends where shock when they saw me wearing Hijab. They thought that I was just playing with them and they cannot believe that a very philosophically inclined individual as me would accept Islam and all its teachings when they knew that I never even pray and went with them to church for a very long time. And my ordeal started to begin. When my Christian friends learned that I became a Muslim, hatred started to build a space between us. I heard a lot of bad stories against me, that I was paid with a huge amount of money just to accept Islam and more. There is even a story that I will never be able to stand the pressure and they were so sure that I will go out one day without my Hijab. On the first day after my Shahada, I was so ashamed to go out with my head cover. So I went to work that day wearing a loose uniform with a long sleeve but without a hair cover. But when my Muslim colleagues who heard the news of my reversion start greeting me, I feel so ashamed not because they saw me without Hijab but because I know that deep in my heart I should have wear the head cover. So I hide myself and when I came out I was in a head cover and all of them (Muslims) were very happy as they welcome me to Islam. But the fight of Hijab issue with my Christian friends started to become worst. Once there was a colleague of mine who pulled my head cover to shame me in the public. They laugh and mocked at me when they saw me and tell me that I have a very nice skin and nice long hair but why should I cover? Am I not proud of having it? I just did not mind them but deep inside I was fighting it. Every time I got home I will cry. Every time I prayed I cried not because I regret becoming a Muslim but because I don’t know until when I can hold my temper. I ask God to give me more patience for I do not want to create any trouble especially now that Islam had taught me how patience saves my days of sufferings. I was isolated from my colleagues other than Muslim brothers and sisters. They ignore me as if I did not exist and even, I can hear them laughing behind me in the elevator, in hall way of our building, even in the staff canteen. Then one day I ask them why they are not talking to me like before. And they told me, they will talk to me again and befriended with me again if I will take off my Hijab. There was a sudden force in my heart that pushes my tongue to said to them that even if the whole world won’t be talking with me as long as I know that I am obeying the commandments of my Lord, I will never take off my Hijab. And I said to them that they may never understand my decision in accepting Islam and wearing Hijab but they have to respect it. And I assure them inshallah they can never see me without my Hijab ever again. From then on there was a dramatic silence of their mocking and laughing on my Hijab until I got married with a very good Muslim man. I wanted to wear Niqab and my husband permitted me to wear it when I am not on duty as we are working in the ambulance as Paramedics. But people start questioning again even the Muslims why. They thought my husband was forcing me to wear Niqab even if I told them it is my choice to become a Niqabi because I feel more comfortable wearing it. Every time people will ask me why I made myself oppressed? But they don’t know that deep in my heart I am so happy becoming a Muslim, serving my husband to the best that I can, wearing my Hijab and Niqab, and accepting all the teachings of the Holy Qur-an. Islam made me a very contented and happy person. Allah (subhana wa taala) gave me a man who guided me through, facing the trials and tribulations of the world when I accepted Islam.For my brothers and sisters in Islam, I believe that being a Muslimah is not just saying the Testimony of Faith but also obeying what “Allah” The Almighty had ordered us to do, and one of it is Hijab. Since I became a Muslim I could never imagine myself going out without my Hijab. Subhanallah I feel so proud, protected and comfortable on my Hijab and Niqab. We must not take the rule of Hijab lightly for if we did, we are neglecting the commandments of Allah (swt). And Allah knows best.

My Life "Before and After Islam"

Assalamu Alaikum Brothers and sisters of Islam!

I was seating in my home-made couch and try to open the book my husband gave me as a gift before our wedding which entitled: "DON'T BE SAD" by Dr. A'id al-Qarni. This is one of the best gifts I received from him (may ALLAH be good to him). As I was running my hands through the pages of the book looking for some marks that I made the first time I read it, my eyes was caught by this passage: "IF YOU HAVE FOUND HIM (ALLAH), THEN YOU HAVE FOUND EVERYTHING. AND IF YOU LOSE FAITH IN HIM (ALLAH), THEN YOU HAVE LOST EVERYTHING." I am rereading this book for three of four times again and again but still it seems that the passages always have some miracle touch in my inner soul that makes me stop for a while and reflect to what it did in my present life after becoming a Muslim.

I was born in a family of Pastors from a Pentecostal Church of Christ. My father and all my uncles were holding leadership positions in our family church and we grew up very familiar with stories in the Bible. In fact, I was teaching young kids before in our Sunday School Service when I was about Ten years old. But things have change when I grew up. My uncles were always having a new understanding towards the Bible and it created a big question in me how and why should we always have to change the way we worship if we are already in truth? Then I started to ask questions to my father (May ALLAH forgive him) and my uncles who were then church leaders but they don't have an explanation about it that satisfies me. So I drifted off and became inactive in the church activities. I started to become rebellious and try to find answers by myself. Things have gotten me always into trouble. I became a master of my own game. I run away from home, got myself into the army and started a life full of evils and mischief. I had been in the world with no good at all. I never pray for years and not gone to church at all. I keep on doing things I thought was the key to my happiness but it only lead me to live a double life. Until Islam brought a light in my soul (thanks to the grace of ALLAH) for He chooses me to become a believer. I cried so much and ask will ever God forgive me? I was the wickedest of all the people I know and that make me so depressed and unhappy. Then I started to learn about Islam.

I have seen and came to know a lot of Muslims before but they were not able to convince me. I keep on seeing things they were doing and saying exactly opposite of what I have read from the books with verses of the Holy Qur-an. I convince by the teachings but I was not convince by the Muslims and I keep on arguing with them about it for I am a person who cannot help myself to find reasons for everything said and done. Until God give me a big blow and turn everything in its proper place. I accepted Islam with a full conviction. Since then the happiness that seems to be impossible to achieve is now living within me. I find respect, peace, fulfilment, contentment, love and affection which I never imagine I will ever taste in this world. It dropped my pride and ego to its absolute zero degree. I learn to listen to other's opinion. But most of all, I learn how to pray and restore my faith to the God Almighty Who made all these things possible. All thanks be to ALLAH and glorify His Name to the Highest! Ameen.

My Life "Before and After Islam"

Assalamu Alaikum Brothers and sisters of Islam!


I was seating in my home-made couch and try to open the book my husband gave me as a gift before our wedding which entitled: "DON'T BE SAD" by Dr. A'id al-Qarni. This is one of the best gifts I received from him (may ALLAH be good to him). As I was running my hands through the pages of the book looking for some marks that I made the first time I read it, my eyes was caught by this passage: "IF YOU HAVE FOUND HIM (ALLAH), THEN YOU HAVE FOUND EVERYTHING. AND IF YOU LOSE FAITH IN HIM (ALLAH), THEN YOU HAVE LOST EVERYTHING." I am rereading this book for three of four times again and again but still it seems that the passages always have some miracle touch in my inner soul that makes me stop for a while and reflect to what it did in my present life after becoming a Muslim.
I was born in a family of Pastors from a Pentecostal Church of Christ. My father and all my uncles were holding leadership positions in our family church and we grew up very familiar with stories in the Bible. In fact, I was teaching young kids before in our Sunday School Service when I was about Ten years old. But things have change when I grew up. My uncles were always having a new understanding towards the Bible and it created a big question in me how and why should we always have to change the way we worship if we are already in truth? Then I started to ask questions to my father (May ALLAH forgive him) and my uncles who were then church leaders but they don't have an explanation about it that satisfies me. So I drifted off and became inactive in the church activities. I started to become rebellious and try to find answers by myself. Things have gotten me always into trouble. I became a master of my own game. I run away from home, got myself into the army and started a life full of evils and mischief. I had been in the world with no good at all. I never pray for years and not gone to church at all. I keep on doing things I thought was the key to my happiness but it only lead me to live a double life. Until Islam brought a light in my soul (thanks to the grace of ALLAH) for He chooses me to become a believer. I cried so much and ask will ever God forgive me? I was the wickedest of all the people I know and that make me so depressed and unhappy. Then I started to learn about Islam.

I have seen and came to know a lot of Muslims before but they were not able to convince me. I keep on seeing things they were doing and saying exactly opposite of what I have read from the books with verses of the Holy Qur-an. I convince by the teachings but I was not convince by the Muslims and I keep on arguing with them about it for I am a person who cannot help myself to find reasons for everything said and done. Until God give me a big blow and turn everything in its proper place. I accepted Islam with a full conviction. Since then the happiness that seems to be impossible to achieve is now living within me. I find respect, peace, fulfilment, contentment, love and affection which I never imagine I will ever taste in this world. It dropped my pride and ego to its absolute zero degree. I learn to listen to other's opinion. But most of all, I learn how to pray and restore my faith to the God Almighty Who made all these things possible. All thanks be to ALLAH and glorify His Name to the Highest! Ameen.